Tuesday, March 20, 2018

This Mortal Coil

I don't understand it.

I found myself on the ground.

I don't know why.

But I need to clear my thoughts.

I need to write.


Why I am I still here?

Why won't I just stay dead?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Zero Hour

That's right.  I made a joke in my last blog title. =D

     So today is a big day for everyone involved, my friends.  It's been a long, strange journey I've been in, these last few weeks, and months.  In retrospect, I can't help but feel amazed at how much has happened to me since September of this year.
     Before I get onto the meat of this post ie: my battle plan, I just want to thank everyone who has visited my blog, for good or for ill.  It's an interesting feeling to know that somewhere out there, people like myself have chosen to read my thoughts, hopes and personal events.  It's an amazing sense.  So, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you all.

     Now, we get to the battle I'm setting up.  I'm sure I've been overly cryptic about some of this.  I do apologize for that, but as you'll soon see, the need for discretion will be apparent.

First Step

     The first part of the plan is the timing.  You might have heard by now that today has a lunar eclipse, possibly a blood moon!  I can't tell you whether this will have a positive or negative effect on our foe, however it certainly makes the day more special.  When I was being carted via ambulance to St. Vee's, I was apparently in ecstasy, (the religious definition, not the sexual) since I was screaming about the Solstice.  I can only hope that this day, today, does have meaning.

Second Step

     This is where things get tricky.  As you might remember, I've asked some of you to come attend the Solstice with me.  Some of you have volunteered on your own accord.  However, only some of you know where I will be.  I am not going to say who, because this is an important element of the plan.  I will confirm that a few people are coming along for the ride.  I am being mostly vague, because of stage three of my plan.  This is where I give you all some homework.

Third Step

     I've said before, that you are the key to victory.  You always have been.  What I need you all to do is simply write a story about what happens.  It's that simple.  I've given instructions to the people who are attending the Event to elaborate and romanticize the entire deal, to let fantasy add its mark to the fight.  All of you readers who are not attending, I will ask you, as well, to write a story.  Tell in your own words what you think happens.
     So now that I've intentionally shed confusion on most observers, everyone has a more equal amount of credibility for writing.  As I said, some of you said you're coming, but do not have the address I am at.  Some of you, I spoke to but have not alluded to showing.  Others are just reading this now, and have never left their homes.  It's because of this unreliable narrator quality, we can discuss on equal terms what happens.
     Why should you do this for me?  Because this is how we kill the monster.  We, as a blogosphere, discuss, critique, and solidify a story of this Event, enough that we can agree and deem it canon.  It doesn't matter what is true within it or not.  The point is that we progress further into the chain of events, advancing another rung closer to killing the Slender Man.  In a literal sense, I am putting my life on the line, that you readers and bloggers can come together to give a cohesive answer as to the happenings today.

     Before I continue, I'd like to set up the bullet points for this story.
  1. The story must have a protagonist.  It does not need to be me.  I actually encourage you all to create your Hero for this story.  If you must, you may name the Hero, but I strongly suggest you use Amelia's name as often as you use mine.  I do not want this to seem like I am asking for you to give me an overly dramatic heroic last stand.  The Hero is just a stand-in for each of us, nothing more.  I'd also suggest avoiding overly dramatic self-insertion tactics to make yourself be the star of the show.  Writing yourself in as a trite Mary Sue asskicker to 'win' this story will only doom its credibility.
  2.  The Hero fights the monster in an actual battle, not just gets gutted immediately.  This may be less realistic than what will actually happen, but this is a story, and therefore immune to reality as much as the monster is.
  3. I like the idea of the monster getting a wound.  I am hoping that if you guys find something you can all agree to, something you can see happening as canon, then maybe that will affect him as such.  I've got little preference, whether it's a sword slash to the face, or a cut off tentacle.  Whatever, it's your call, not mine.
  4. The Monster does not die.  We cannot kill him with this story, but we can weaken him.  That is the entire point of this exercise.
  5. The Hero disappears in a vague manner.  No need for an unhappy ending, but we can't kill the monster via this story, so we make do with a bittersweet ending of some sort.

     What I am hoping is that we can kick the Tulpa Effect into gear with this gambit.   We manifest our thoughts as one, as you people read each others suggestions of the story, discuss concepts and ideals, then come together to finalize the story as one.  When we discuss things of this nature, and hear of it from other sources, it helps solidify the concept, if not the details.  This is the way we created him, it's the way we hinder him.
     I've outright said that this will not kill the monster.  It will not, but it CAN reduce his strength.  Hopefully to a more tolerable level of evil, one that can be dealt with easier.  I've got a vague idea that perhaps the Hallowed involved have a chance of their control being broken as well.  I'm not as certain about this.  Let's call it a hunch.
     I suppose technically I don't need to even leave my house for this concept to work at its basest form.  However I feel there needs to be a personal attachment to the people writing the story.  If we're not invested in it, it's not going to work.  Plus, if today really has any meaning, I want to personally take advantage of it.

     As for my personal expectations, I plan to confront him within the clearing near where I grew up.  Trees align one side, with a small hill nearby, which is perfect for observing.  Amelia and I will wait for him to appear, with Hallowed or without.  As you might have noticed from my hidden clue, I have some help against proxies.  I am also bringing with me a few meme items.  I'd say I had twenty dollars, but I'm not interested in him leaving me alone.  I'd rather have him stay and end this battle.  So that said, I am bringing a rabbit's foot, my best dice and a monster mask, a concept borrowed from Maduin.   I also hope that I can get one more 'meme' in the battle, for the sole purpose of gallows humor.  Since I have a blade, I'd like to see if the Slender Man can survive being divided by Zero.  =D

     Ha ha, yes another joke.  I do have my stun gun on me, fully charged.  I hope I will have an opportunity to stab him with the blade, then electrocute it with my taser.  I can't guarantee that however.  I've listened to Hosozukuri's gorgeous music, Resolve time and time again.  I can hear it in my mind now, it may not have been meant for me alone, but it has become precious to me.  I never thanked her properly for her music.  I will not get the chance now.

Lastly, I did promise you I would deliver a picture or two before my departure.

My blade.  It's possibly just a piece of crap, but I am endeared to it.  I won a trial of
spirit to win this prize.  I ask for it to guide me through this next trial.

My Mask.  Originally I felt that I was destined for the role of the Warrior, back when
 I believed that our Titles were a grander thing than mere words.  I suppose it wasn't so bad.

I trust in Maduin's belief of a second 'layer' of personality to help guard me from mental attacks.
It also allows me a hair more focus, to accept my fate at his hands.   I cut the eye
holes out further than what you see here, since visibility is paramount.

And so I leave you today.  A man in search of answers he cannot find, with the hope
that one of you will find it for him.  I accept my role as a mere pawn, moving down
the chess board.  A sacrifice against the Black King.  One needed however
for victory.  You'll win this fight, I know it.
Take care, my friends.  Amelia, Maduin, Jeff, Shaun, Robert, EE, SS, Fizzbomb, Vieve, Hoso
and the rest of the crew.


Friday, December 17, 2010


gotta keep moving
so damn cold out

leg's aching, been bit again
all stiff, frozen
shadows keep moving

they keep mMoving

cant worm uip
need to go

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Well folks, I have something I need to tell you about while I'm all nice and lucid, only quite tired.  Two things actually.

First off, I've already written my last post, in a little binder, with instructions on it how to log into my account.  I have asked that this be posted on Solstice Day, in case I lose my wits before then.  What this also says is, unfortunately, you will not know if I am really still around before my fight.  You will have to trust me, as you have in the past.  I felt I needed to mention this to you guys, since you've stuck with me for so long.  Thank you for all your well wishing and comments, I really really have appreciated everything.  Even the trolls.

Sort of funny that a guy who started out posting about being lost in life has turned around in just a few months...

Okay, now for something I really didn't want to talk about, but I felt you guys needed to know.


I should tell you what happened with her.  You see, she showed up at my door that day, looking like hell itself warmed over.  Another cute girl in distress.  Another mistake.  I guardedly told her to show her hands, and to lay down on the floor face down, if she really wished to talk.  My stun gun was at the ready, hidden from her sight.  She complied, making no motions to attack me or incapacitate me.  Granted, it was a stupid trusting move on my part, but I've failed her before, and that got to me.

We talked for a bit.  I could see how...hopeless she had become.  Distraught, gloom.  If she were wearing black, I'd have called her an emo.

Stupid defense mechanism.

She asked me for help.  I had none to give her.  She screamed at me, and stood, begging me for a cure to a poison I had no hope of holding.  When I held out my hands to show that I had no cure, she called me a coward.  And then

she asked for death.

I'm not a killer, despite what I may have done in desperation, or insanity, I always felt that I was meant to be a healer.  One with issues, but still, my overall goal is to help people.  I refused to hurt her.  She produced a firearm, and yelled at me again.  Now, I'm no psychologist, but I knew that one of us was going to be shot within moments, if I didn't do something stupid.  So I agreed.

I took the firearm, whispered an apology to her, tears coming down my cheeks.  She sunk down onto her knees, as I leveled the weapon at her, my hand shaking.  She didn't even have a chance to see me taze her.

I couldn't take her life.  Not after she came to me for help.  So I made a call.  You see, there's someone I've been talking to who has a certain interest in agents, or hallowed.  He came to town to talk to me, to convince me to change my goals.  He has a way out.

So I called him, and he showed.  Nessa started to stir, so I took her out of the equation again.  The battery on the stun gun was mostly depleted, by this point as the thin man with the ruddy red hoodie appeared at my door.  He was unkempt, his teeth browned and somewhat rotted, his clothes ratty, his hood pulled low over his eyes, and had a snide look on his face as I let him enter.  I knew he wasn't the sort to jump me.  He has different goals.

Me>>>  Well....I never thought I'd meet you.
Stranger>>>  Who says you haven't before?  So you've changed your mind?
Me>>> No, no I'm going through with it.
Stranger>>> It's all madness.  You're just as much a fool as I was once.
Me>>>  Perhaps.  But I think I know a few things.
Stranger>>>  They're all lies.  Every last one.  But did you call me here to play at intrigue, or did you have a purpose?
Me>>>  I've had a purpose for three months now.  I daresay you lost yours about that time.
Stranger>>>  Ohhh...
He stepped through my abode, looking around.
Stranger>>>  Don't try to guess at me.
Me>>>  It keeps me busy.
Me>>> Anyway....I have someone for you.  For you to take.
Stranger>>>  You think I'm a delivery expert?
Me>>>  I think you'll want to see her....It's Nessa...you have an interest in her, don't you?
His eyes light up, a hideous twinkle.
Stranger>>> Well, this is unexpected.  Yes, I can take her.
Me>>>   I can't believe I'm doing this, handing her off to you.  I mean...there's nothing to prove that you won't just kill her or abuse her.
The Stranger lifted his hand, dirt on his palm.
Stranger>>> I'm not interested in hurting her, or even you.  So you can stop handling that weapon so aggressively.  I simply want this to end.
Me>>>  Strange occurances make strange bedfellows.  I guess I have to trust you on that.  You'll give her a good life?
Stranger>>>  The life she leads is up to her,
Me>>>  Well...as good a chance as anyone, then.

I showed him to where I had her restrained, unconscious.  As an agnostic, I whispered a bitter prayer for her hope and life, as the man picked her up.

Me>>> Can you really do it?
He paused.
Me>>> Can you really make people forget?
The Stranger chuckled softly.
Stranger>>>  I've done this a few times.
He tapped the side of his head.
Stranger>>>  It's a better life for them, to have them forget.
Me>>>  I see....goodbye then.  I hope not to see you again.
Stranger>>>  Ohh...don't hurt my feelings now.  I'm sure I'll see you again soon.

And that's the story.

I gave Nessa to Redlight. and I had no choice.

Monday, December 13, 2010


I push my hands unto the wall to steady myself, to keep myself at ease.  My legs grow numb, and my health fades.  My stomach curls up into itself ready to devour me from the inside, lest I eat.  As I stand and ponder, gazing out over the unfortunate...the other unfortunates during this cold, bitter season, I close my eyes.

My feet are cold, numbed.  Should've bought new boots.  And as I wait for a meal to arrive, i feel my hands sink into the stone, like putty or gelatin.  I stare in marvel at the oddity as my body starts to meld into the stone.  I cannot shift my weight away, I am not being pulled.  I am simply falling. 

When my face touches the stone, it molds around me, capturing my breath.  I cannot breathe here.  My scrapes and wounds from the fights I've been in throb.  The bites on my legs.  My head aches, and face.  A knife is stabbed into my ribs, if I did not know better.  And I do not.  I am blind, unable to move, but only to feel.  My lungs burn, as I gasp for breath.  I cannot see but I know my sight dims again.  Blood...My blood is frozen.  I can feel it again.

The world fades, my vision narrows, and a rushing sound fills my ears.  I feel myself shift, my legs buckle and I move.  I do not know how.  I fall and see light, air hesitantly tests my lungs as I find myself on the floor, gazing at a ceiling.

I am asked if I need help.  I do not know the answer.  I feel a great weight upon me, still crushing me, like a mantle made of lead.

I look for the adversary, and do not see him.  I do not see his work.  I only see the unfortunates.  I should not let bad things happen to them.  I do not know if I can.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Surrealism at its finest

As I sit here, at Wheeler Mission, which I did not expect to have Wi-Fi.  I took a good look around me a bit ago.  It's not quite the desolate place one'd expect of a shelter for those who are homeless...or those on the run from monsters.

I've been quietly playing with Nessa's phone, browsing the web through it.  I've got a charger for it, so no worries there.  However it's Tourette's inducing cold outside, even with both of my great coats on, it's still uncomfortable.  And by Tourette's, I mean that when the wind picks up and you're hustling inside, you unconsciously scream out something akin to, "FUCK, IT'S COLD!"    So now that I've explained the joke that didn't need it, I'll pick up with my activities lately.

First, yes indeed, I have been trolling the blogs lately.  It's my way to unwind, and somewhat comforting to have companions in all this mess.  Granted, I would rather you all weren't in this bind with me, but if you weren't, I couldn't talk to you about it, could I?

Been looking around the people here...too many damn kids out here.  Sort of scared that he'll show and want a few of them, so   vigilance, i guess.  Anyway, no sign of that Runner I saw before, no operator symbols either.  The bite mark on my leg is healing.

oh right, that shit...

I was wanting to draw one of those things for you, Maduin, like you asked.  Uhm...it's not happening.

I keep drawing one and having issues with it.  It's like the shit is coming off the page at me when I draw it.  Just dissipates when I hit it, but...well I don't want to draw it.  I did doodle some slendy pics the other day, while i was bored.  didn't really seem to do anything for or against me, in terms of sanity.  So, that's a no go for me.  I think maybe since he's got different tactics for people, maybe he wants something different for all of us?  The ones he wants to take, he slowly gives them the ole mindscrew.  Those of us who run, either get him on our tail, or agents.  

Just a thought.

Also, I'm worried Amelia....fuck I almost said nessa...then melody.   It's getting hard to remember names sometimes.  I'm worried Amelia's not going to get here in time.  I wish she'd let me know whats up.  Granted, i'm hanging out in a shelter, so it's not that great of a thing to have her here yet, but i'd rather have her around.  It's been very comforting to talk to her, as little as we have.  Nice to know I can rely on a few people.  You know?  

And yes I know half of you are going to post that I can rely on you guys too.  Thanks, Jean, Vieve, EE, and Jeff, and whomever else.  :D

Though i can't trust any of you corrupted guys.  I can't get hurt like that again.

Fat guy over here's taking way too much interest in my typing.  Better not have to taze fatty to keep him off me.  that's right fat boy, i'm talking to you.

and he's gone. good.

Oh, right the post title.

So after a hard day of being chased by whatever the fuck those things are.  You know, i think i'll just call em green things, bastards need a name.  Anyway...I was thinking about the real death of the monster, you know?

We've talked about this before, you and I.  And I said that we won't kill him till all the vlogs and stuff get shut down, which might not be the case now that I think about it.

I'll put this in terms of you guys who think this is a fun little game we play, because i'd rather you keep thinking of it like that.

okay, let's say we made this as a game.  which you know, it was at the start.  SA forums, or w/e,  never really been there.  Okay so we make up these fucked up stories about the monster, and it takes off.  Then boom, he's real.  Tulpa effect for the loss.

Now for those people who see this as a game, might think that some of this shit is stupid as hell.  the magic powers, the small armies and the action movie logs.  Right.  I find some of that hard to believe too, but this is the world in which we live, unless we're fucking hallucinating again.  which i am not.  currently.

so anyhoo, the guys...fuck, i'll call them gamers, even though i am one.  The gamers see our posts and call BS on it.  Which i would too if it weren't real.  but really that's the way to kill the monster, i think.  We destroy 'the game'.  As stupid as that sounds, yes, maybe we need to mock and goof around with the idea of being stalked by a murderous alien psychopath, until it becomes cliche, and lame. 

So, for the outsiders point of view.  we're playing a game, we want to win by not having to play the game, but can't give up.  So we dilute the game to the point that it's not fun for anyone, becomes old and trite, and it's not a game anymore.

surreal shit, guys.  think about it.

ANd why the fuck is the wall rattling like that, there's no train near here.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Two Weeks

two weeks till the solstice...
two weeks

god help me.

I think I'm having hallucinations.

Just two hours ago, here I am in my little bunker I set up...yeah I'm back there. and water starts collecting on the ceiling.  No big deal, except that the ceiling is supposed to be full stone.  There's A/C and vents up there, but it's dripping from nowhere.  I pay it little mind since it's just wet, but not dripping.  Hour and a half ago, it gets larger, and I notice it has an unusual shape.  It's collected with smooth edges, kind of hard to see with real water droplets, but it's not really adhering to the ceiling, making it darker in color, it's just...there.

I guardedly examine it further, my sword nearby, just in case.  After a few minutes of headrush from staring at the ceiling, I come to the conclusion, that, that it's forming the shape of an operator symbol.  I gather my stuff, my heart races as I watch it slowly form.  My sword is out, as I sit in the corner, watching.  A slow dread creeps over me.  Sometime after that, I heard a scratching sound

The stone peeled back as if paper, ripped by clawed hands, deluging the room with foul water, with putrid vegetation in it.  Things...I don't know what, green humanoid things rose up from it, on four legs and made screeching sounds at me.  I prepared for a fight, wishing I had a spear, to keep them at bay.  They advanced, the faceless mouthed things that...i really don't know what

They attacked, I fought.  I got hit, clawed.  I'd hit at them, and they'd split into water, just...just water

I stayed in the corner, and tried, and I got bit by one of them, and then they stopped.

I didn't see the Slenderman enter the room, he was just...just fuckin there.

My heart literally stopped, I

I don't know.  He came for me right then, and all my hope was gone.  I didn't see monsters, I didn't see anything but him, and he was everywhere.  before me.


it leaned in, i felt..my self dying...i couldn't feel my heart
no blood, no blood no life

I slumped down into the corner, helpless.

I felt myself move.

and then

i don't know

I found myself outside, near the fucking treeline, hanging from a tree branch.
my sword next to me.

i need this to end soon.